Diarrhea caveman

Well, Pepto Bismol has done it again. Their commercials never cease to amaze/sicken me. I'm always left with a big sense of "WTF was that?" Effective ad campaign? Demented and sad? Your guess is as good as mine.

If you haven't seen their commercials, check out YouTube. As of this morning, there are 178 entries under "Pepto Bismol Commercials." The commercials I remember most include an amazon woman (think attack of the 50 foot woman - with diarrhea), singing and grabbing her buttocks while crashing through buildings. Then there was a rap about nausea, heartburn, indigestion with coordinated dance moves resembling the YMCA dance. Yesterday morning, while trying to wake up over a cup of coffee, Pepto had a commercial with a bearded scruffy man (I shall dub him diarrhea caveman) singing unintelligibly about his butt disorder. I have added him to my short list of disturbing commercial images, right up there with the singing Quiznos rodents.

Presidential Proliferation

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of the constant (and I do mean constant!) deluge of presidential race coverage on television? Personally, in the age of reality tv, instead of endless debates, I think they should switch to a format that is somewhere between the show Survivor and The Biggest Loser. Have a challenge each week, then vote somebody off the proverbial island. Last man (or woman) standing wins, and in the meantime you see what they're really made of, not the publicity-spun personalities you see now. I'm just saying.

If, like me, you're still not sure who you'll likely vote for come November, a friend of mine had this great link on her blog to an online quiz that lets you enter your feelings on various subjects, then tells you which candidate most resembles your personal stance. To no surprise, it showed the top two dudes I had in mind anyway. Yep, I said dudes. Not a fan of Hillary, even though I'm a chick and supposedly all chicks are supposed to be united on her behalf.

If the presidential quiz gives you a headache, the same site has a quiz to see if you're a hypochondriac. :)

Oh so creepy and disturbing

The gals over at Jezebel.com have a post about one of the creepiest and most disturbing diseases I've ever heard of. So I thought I'd share with y'all!

You're welcome! :)

Mysterious Magenta Fibers Crawling Out of Your Skin? You're Not Alone!

Oh so slippery Stefanie

This weekend, the family and I headed out to the hilltop golf course near our home for a lovely Sunday brunch. The Calcutta Grill puts on a lovely spread for brunch. Yes, I know that a place named after an impoverished city doesn't sound like it would be too tasty, but then again I hear Ethiopian food is quite good and isn't most of that country starvin' marvin? Anyway, I digress.

As I casually strolled back to sneak a few more gargantuan prawns from the seafood tray, all of a sudden I'm on the floor. Someone at the table next to me gasped. Thanks lady, that helped my overall sense of mortification. I quickly got up, pretending everything was cool, as if I'd meant to do that. When I got back to the table I noticed the floor where I fell was wet. No, it wasn't from me. My husband tells me the floor was wet before I fell. Ahhh, now I feel a bit better. My knee is hurting, but at least I know that falling wasn't 100% due to my clumsiness. Errr...not that I'm necessarily clumsy or anything.

I wanted to pull up my pant leg to see if my knee is bleeding, but then I remember that the reason I wore pants (and my ultra-fabulous black patent-leather boots) was that I hadn't shaved my legs in about a week. Hmmm, pant leg stays down. Then I notice my ring finger is starting to swell. I take off my wedding rings because I don't wanna be one of those people that has to have their rings cut off in an ER or something. Although I suppose that would be a good reason to get new rings and/or more rings, but again I digress.

After brunch we head home, I change into sweats, and watch the Patriots game on tv with my husband. It occurs to me that I must be getting old, 'cause when I fall, not only am I mortified, but I skin my knee and bust my finger. When the football dudes fall down (plus have hundreds of pounds of other dudes piled on top of them), they bounce back up and then smack each other on the head. Maybe that is why they get paid the big bucks.

How to look good naked?

I say dim/no lighting and standing far away from a near sighted partner, but that's just me.

But seriously, there is an actual show called "How to Look Good Naked" on the Lifetime channel. It is hosted by Carson Kressley, previously with the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, who heaps praise on the women as if....well, as if he were actually attracted to women.

So far I've only seen two shows, and they seem to sort of follow the same format. The woman meets with Carson, she drops trou (just bra and panties at this point), and in a 3-way mirror they go over every part of her usually lumpy body. He tells her how absolutely fabulous she is, and usually there is some crying. Then they have a line up of other chicks in their bras and panties, ranging in sizes and lined up according to size. The main girl places herself in the line up according to what size she believes herself to be. She is always way off and assumes herself to be bigger than she is. Then Carson takes her to sit down and mortifies the livin crap out of the woman by showing her that he previously projected her bra and panty clad picture on the side of a building (seriously, a building!) and asked passersby on the street to critique her figure. I keep waiting for someone to lean over and strangle Carson, but that episode has yet to air. Anyway, usually the people on the street have flattering things to say, much to the woman's surprise.

Later in the show comes underwear shopping, clothes shopping and usually some kind of makeover, all leading up to Carson asking the chick to take nude photos as a testament to her new self-love. Tasteful, but nude. I'm not sure why the last step is necessary, except for the naked thing is in the show's title and all. But if you just got done going shopping for new undergarments and clothes to disguise your figure and hide your nakedness, why is nakedness necessary?

At any rate, the show is sort of fascinating. I'm intrigued by their choice of host, but figure women would rather get naked in front of Carson Kressley, than if the show were hosted by Danny Bonaduce or something.

Absosmurfinlutely!

Apparently Smurfs are turning 50! Whaat? I thought this cartoon came out when I was a kid. I guess it did, but the concept of Smurfs has been around 50 years! That's just crazy.

And now an animated feature film is in the works. Want to know what's new with movie Smurfs? Chicks! They found that after all these years, Smurfville, or whatever that town is named, needed more girls. Hmm. But since Smurfette was the only female to be found, does this mean some little blue dude(s) finally knocked her up? Was there a Smurf equivalent to immaculate conception? We shall have to wait and see.

Oh yeah, Season 1 of the Smurfs is apparently now out on DVD. If I ever get pneumonia and am hopped up on codeine cough syrup or something, I could totally sit through all 345 minutes of that boxed set. I'm just saying. Don't judge me.

For the best list of rejected Smurf names ever, check out this site.

Love

Otherwise known as: Why I love my husband even though he apparently intentionally neglected to bring me home any schwag from the CES conference in Vegas while I laboriously held down the homestead (homestead sounds sorta Laura Ingalls, doesn't it?).

Although I've been married less than a year, every now and again I'm reminded of more reasons why I love the man I married. True enough, some days I want to smack his head, but if I didn't, that would mean I didn't care, right?

If you have an aversion to gushy stuff, read no further.

Five of the reasons I love my husband today:

1) He makes me laugh every day. Sometimes it is with him, sometimes it might be at him, but he makes me laugh. This is important. You should laugh at least once every day. If you can't, you are taking yourself way too seriously. Oh yeah, and his jokes can be as inappropriate as mine. That is a skill.

2) He puts up with my quirks. I know this may come as a shock to some, but I can be imperfect at times. My husband knows this and loves me anyway. Either that or he is very convincingly tolerant.

3) He makes me breakfast. I know this seems minor, but I was never much of a breakfast person because the thought of cooking first thing in the morning was not appealing. However, my husband, almost every single morning, gets up, lets the dogs out, starts the coffee, then comes and wakes me up before he starts making eggs, etc. While I almost always do the cooking for the remaining meals, it is a definite luxury to not have to do anything in the morning until after I've had my coffee.

4) Gadget-o-philia by association. Anyone that knows my husband knows that he is obsessed with gadgets. Any new gadget that involves music, Apple computers, Ipods, etc., he is all over. Why is this a benefit, you ask? Inheritance. You see, I inherit all his hand-me-down gadgets. The secret is to let him feel as if I'm doing him a favor by taking them off his hands so he can buy the newer, bigger, shinier, more memory version. This also should serve to soften the guilt I'm hoping he feels when he spends a few hundred dollars on the newest gadget. I'm figuring his ITouch Ipod should be mine in the next week.

5) He buys me diamonds. Ha ha. Bet ya thought I was going to say that, didn't you? There are many reasons I love my husband, but diamonds are not a reason. Not that there is anything wrong with buying me diamonds, but I love him most for his warmth, his candor, his integrity, his humor, and the list goes on.

Next time you are on the verge of an argument with your spouse or loved one, stop a second and think of all the reasons you love them. If that doesn't work, smack his head. That means you care.

Old

Nothing reminds you that you're slowly descending downhill into middle age like a perky 19-year old Sephora salesgirl referring you to an under eye product labeled "industrial strength concealer." From the sound of things, if this didn't work, my only remaining, albeit cheaper, option would be a brown paper bag over my head.

Now I love, love, love the Sephora store, don't get me wrong. But would it kill the salesgirls to kiss up to me just a tad? The Clinique counter girls already lost my business by incorrectly aging me in my 40s. Why they would venture to mention I might be in my 40s, when clearly I am in my beauteous 30s, is beyond me.

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was in my 20s. My beauty routine consisted of taking off my make-up or using moisturizer only when I felt like it. Washing my face in the shower. Never using sunscreen. You get the general drift. Nevertheless, I used to get comments at least once a week on my skin. Strangers on the street would tell me what beautiful skin I had and what a gorgeous shade of porcelain (much nicer term than pasty, by the way). I'd get asked what products I used and told how lucky I was.

Apparently those days are over. Now I get referred to "industrial strength concealer" to cover the big brown bags under my eyes. I have to admit to buying the product and trying it. While it does help, nobody will confuse me for being in my 20s. I suppose I can live with that.

Me, only milder

So, I got a new gig. There is a new online network, where bloggers get to write about whatever they want (within reason) that has to do with the zip code where they live. Each zip has its own site, which also includes reviews and listings for local businesses and attractions.

My site is: www.98027.net/

I'll be writing about all the exciting stuff that floats my boat in the greater Issaquah, Washington area. Oh yeah, I'm gonna have to watch my mouth and refrain from picking on people. But have faith in me, folks. I can refrain from my usual snarkiness, yet still make it mind-blowingly entertaining!

I recommend you take a look!

Update 6/21/08: The beta version of the MyZip websites was discontinued on 5/1/08. While clearly my work was fabulous, bloggers are no longer being used for the MyZip sites.

Cupcake candor

It should be noted that since I've been doing the low-carb thing for nearly a week now, that no actual cupcakes were harmed, touched, licked, fondled or otherwise consumed in any way in the writing of the last blog post.

However.....

Did you know that if you Google "cupcakes" and hit the "images" button, that an obscene amount of cupcake pictures are there for your viewing pleasure? After about 10 minutes of looking at the scrumptiously photographed pictures, if you close your eyes you can actually faintly taste the creamy buttercream frosting goodness. Your tongue can feel the texture of the smooth, yet crisp multi-colored sprinkles. Your hands can feel the paper of the wrapper being peeled back oh-so-slowly off the cakey righteousness.

Le sigh.....

Seahawks!

I know this is my second post of the year regarding football. Please don't hold it against me!

Anyway, the Seattle Seahawks managed to win their playoff game this Saturday. The Seattle area officially has the hoping-for-another-Super Bowl fever. It is so serious that Safeway is carrying blue and green Seahawks cupcakes. Cupcakes! This just got interesting, folks! Girls can relate to cupcakes, if not football.

Him: "Do you want to come to a Seahawks playoff game party?"
Her: "Seriously? I could care less. Besides, I think DSW might still be having their shoe sale."
Him: "There will be cupcakes."
Her: "Oooooooo! I love the Seahawks!"

New Year Recap

So, I know you're all dying to know what I actually did for New Year's Eve. I have to admit to chickening out on the streaking the neighborhood thing. Probably better for all involved, I must say. My New Year's Eve was spent in jammies watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Man, I hadn't seen that movie in ages. My stepson had never seen it, and my husband hadn't seen it since it was in the theater (sorta aging him there, aren't I?).

We did manage to stay up until midnight for the televised fireworks from the Seattle Space Needle. Uggh. Apparently they had the detonators running on Microsoft Vista or something because the system died...not once, but twice. Then all the fireworks had to be set off by hand because the computer system never did get back up and running. Good promo for Microsoft, eh?

Oh, and I should probably share my latest. Because I tend to be such a trend setter and think outside the box and all, I decided to start a diet on January 1st. I wonder why nobody else ever thought of that? Anyway, I'm back to ultra low-carb, which is going to severely affect my Starbucks habit of having a cookie with my sugar-free vanilla latte, but oh well. I'm always reminded of my friend Holly's story about the desperation of being on low-carb for about a week that caused her to eat a lord-knows-how-old M&M she found on the floor of her car. I'd like to think I'm more sensible than that. Besides, we have dog cookies in the glove compartment should the need arise.

New Year & Football?

Apparently this is the year I watch sports. I've watched more sports in the last week than I have the whole year. Not sure what that is about.

Ok, to catch you up on all my sensible highlights, here is what I saw.

1. On Saturday night there was some game with the undefeated New England Patriots and some other team, that, well, got defeated, so it doesn't matter who they were. This game was to dudes what the Academy Awards show is to chicks, i.e., must see tv. Except there was no red carpet - you don't get to see what the players are wearing beforehand. Then when they are on the field, they are all dressed the same - tight football pants. Not that I'm complaining or anything. All in all, it was a fun game to watch.

2. On Sunday, I watched the Seahawks play some team that I'm forgetting, but I know their quarterback used to be Michael Vick - before he went to jail for fighting and killing doggies, that is. So, apparently, the new quarterback doesn't kill animals or anything, and he seemed to be quite good. They sort of made the Seattle Seahawks look like losers. Oh wait, they were losers. Oh well. Nobody said I had to root for the home team. Although.....they DID go to the Superbowl the first season I moved here, so my presence must bring out some sort of excellence in them, don't you think?

3. Sunday evening I watched some random ass Sunday Night Football. I didn't even know the teams, or care to know the teams, but we watched anyway. Payton Manning was one of the quarterbacks. I remember him because his name sounds like it should be in a Jackie Collins novel or something. Not that I read those. But not that there is anything wrong with that. Anyway, the game was decent and the team that people want to win, won. So there.

4. This one has nothing to do with football, other than it was played on a football field. It was a NHL hockey game played outside (outside!) on a frozen over football field amid frigid temperatures and a constant deluge of snow. Apparently, it was the first NHL hockey game ever played outside. And I'm betting as soon as the NHL muckity muck dudes that were there regain feeling in their frozen nutsacks, they will decide it was also the last NHL hockey game ever played outside. I'm just saying.

(Image courtesy of ImageChef)