Merry Christmas...Mr. Garrison Style

Christmas Classic...in a Box

1. Cut a hole in a box.
2. Put your junk in that box....
3. Please to enjoy this holiday classic from SNL.

First Snow O' the Year

Yeah, I know it's nuts that I still get excited about snow. Especially since I spent part of my misguided youth having to walk to school (uphill both ways) in deep Michigan snow.

Below are some pics of our yard in the snow. It was mostly an excuse to use my...errr, our...new camera. We got a great deal on a Nikon D40x from friends, and as this is my first non-point and shoot type camera, it's going to be fun to explore.

Snow-covered gargantuan flax plants. And Izzie making sure nobody is messing with our yard.
Our fountain, with a 1" frozen layer of ice in each section.
Snapdragons I planted this summer that refuse to die, even in snow.

For the Birds

If you don't live in Washington state, you've probably never seen this commercial for the Washington State Lottery. It's cute. But I have a feeling that the bird at the end of the clip is responsible for the ginormous streak of shidoobee that now adorns half my home office window (yep, 2nd story office window that will be hard to clean).

This Week in Celebrity Randomness

Wow. Remember Ralphie from the Christmas classic A Christmas Story? Well Ralphie has grown up into a big ball of blue-eyed, dimpled hotness! He didn't even take the detour of crack addiction that most child actors seem to gravitate towards. At least, not that I know of.

Ha!

And don't ask me to 'splain it to you, either.

Photo courtesy of Natalie Dee.

Sometimes kids tell (or draw) it like it is...

By the way, that's supposedly the mommy with a snow shovel at the Home Depot, not workin' the pole. But frankly, I've never seen dudes surrounding a woman at Home Depot flashing a bunch of dollar bills.

Photo courtesy of FailBlog.

Insane Candy Architecture!

This last weekend, the thought of "gee, wouldn't it be fun to make a gingerbread house?" briefly entered my mind. So, today while having a few free moments, I decided to Google some photos for inspiration. And lo and behold, I come across this amazing online photo gallery of an entire gingerbread village!

Seriously, these are the most amazing gingerbread anything I've ever seen. Anywhere. Ever. And now, my perfectionist self knows that surely I'd never create anything a fraction as awesome as these, so I won't try at all. But if I had like 2000 pounds of assorted candy and 3 months of free time, these are totally the gingerbread houses I would make!

Nutmeg

Here's John Legend singing about his "nutmeg" on the Colbert Christmas special from last week. John Legend is just so smooth, whereas Stephen Colbert....so Caucasian.

And with lyrics like "the only residue I want you wiping off your face is my nutmeg," seriously how can you go wrong with this holiday ditty?

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: John Legend

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

I Smelled Chris Meloni

I have a love/hate relationship with People magazine.

I love People magazine because the articles are short and total fluff. Jeff Goldblum's character in the movie The Big Chill described his job as a People contributing editor by saying "I can't write an article longer than the average person can take the average crap." Not that I'm reading it during that....but I have to say I like short little ADD articles sometimes.

I hate people magazine because of the stigma attached to it. It isn't the same stigma as something like National Enquirer, but being seen with one in public certainly doesn't give you that appearance of "look at me, could I be any smarter?" So I'm forced to read my People magazine in private.

This week, not only am I reading my People magazine in private, but I'm smelling it. Nope, not perfume samples. Scratch and sniff celebrities. When did this happen? I have to say Chris Meloni smelled pretty damn good. Although I love him on Law & Order SVU, sometimes it's hard for me to get out of my mind that he was "Freakshow" in the movie Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle.

I also found myself nose deep in my People magazine smelling Taye Diggs and Michael Phelps (Taye = tasty, Michael = smelled like ass). I also half smelled some other dude that I didn't even know, which furthered my self-induced shame at my whole People magazine reading experience. Shame on you People magazine!

Oh yeah, so you know what I wasn't doing while I was scratching and sniffing random celebrities? Writing my NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) novel. As of this weekend, I've officially thrown in the towel on my prospects of getting a 50k novel outta my head and into my laptop in 30 days. Apparently I'm in good company, as only approximately 15% of those who enter the competition actually make it to 50,000 words by November 30th. Yay, quitters! I do, however, have a brilliant idea for a novel in my head, and hope to eventually get it somewhere suitable like the NY Times best seller list. Guess I should do more writing and less celebrity smelling, right? Hmmm...I wonder what Stephen King smells like?

Jelly Bellys!

Natalie Dee makes me laugh. Although, gin jelly bellys sound fun!

Political Sigh of Relief

Have you heard? We elected a new president?

Oh man, I could not be more glad that the presidential election is over. It was almost 2 years of constant in-yer-face ads, debates, etc. and it made me sad. If all that money that was spent on campaigning was spent on helping the things that need helping in this country, well....we'd be a lot better off.

On a serious note, I've been sleeping better knowing that Obama is in charge, or will be shortly. There have been very few politicians in my life that I felt this way about. Hmm...not sure I can name any, to be honest. In the past I voted due to a sense of peer pressure (foolishly busted my voter cherry on Dukakis in 1988), or I didn't vote at all (never voted for Clinton). Or there were the years that I voted for the dudes (Gore, Kerry), just because I didn't want the other jackass (Bush) to win. This year I seriously felt that rush of "Hope" that has been making its way around our country. Hope that we can turn this country around, even though it will take some time and a lot of hard work.

The truth about bread

In the aftermath of Halloween and all things carb (did I mention I bought like 300 pieces of candy and we only had 6 kids show up?), below are some things to think about before you go reaching for that bread. Glad this doesn't apply to left-over Halloween candy. :)

13 Undeniable Truths About Bread Eaters:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

11. Almost 100% of child abusers are bread eaters, the same applies to abused women.

12. Most alcoholics are bread eaters as are most heavy narcotic users.

13. The very person that you dislike the most is probably a bread eater.

The moral of this story: DON’T EAT BREAD!

Source: Jimmy Moore's Livin' La Vida Low Carb Blog.

Happy Halloween, the Pumpkin Edition!

I finally got around to carving up some squishy, gooey, icky pumpkins. There is something that feels mildly surgical about the whole process. As I was pulling stuff out of the inside of the pumpkins I was recalling last night's episode of Gray's Anatomy and how they were pulling intestines out of a patient. How I managed to not lose my lunch is beyond me, but I made it!

The carving part was actually much more fun than I remember. When I was a kid, we carved pumpkins with a dull knife and it always seemed like it jerked all over and you were about to accidentally lose a finger. Hmm...maybe the knives were dull so we didn't lose a finger. Thanks mom! But now I realize that if you buy the little pumpkin carving knife thingie for about a buck, it does a much quicker and more accurate job.

The picture to the left is of pumpkins carved today. It occurred to me as I uploaded the picture that the pumpkin to the right bares a striking resemblance to one of my 7th grade teachers. No offense, man. The picture to the right is of a few fake pumpkins that I did a few years ago, and cuz they're fake, keep bringing out each year.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Finally the day has arrived for little greedy-ass kids to go door-to-door begging people for food. When you're at a light at the highway off ramp and there is a homeless person with a sign asking for food, you avoid eye contact. But when little Tiffany from down the street comes to your door, wearing her Disney princess costume, you gladly heap her with handfuls of candy bars. Funny how that works.

At any rate, I actually bought real pumpkins this year. They have yet to be carved, as I've been avoiding that whole scooping pumpkin guts part. Frankly, the sight and smell of pumpkin innards sort of make me want to vomit, but I shall not let that deter me from the festivities!

I will post pictures of the pumpkins tomorrow, along with anything else I deem to be festive. As a preview, my dog Jasper was included in the pet pictures of one of my favorite gossip blogs (don't judge me!). He is wearing his "Don't scare me, I poop easily" Halloween t-shirt. The funniest part of this shirt is the little noise maker. When Jasper goes to roll over on his back, it activates, and then he chases his tail wondering why his ass is making scary Halloween noises. Quite entertaining, in a probably non-SPCA approved way.

Election Update

Is it just me, or will everyone else be happy when this presidential election is finally over? It feels like they've been campaigning for years!  At this point, I'm surprised anyone still wants the job. Sort of like signing on to be the captain of a sinking ship.

A few of my recent favorites from PunditKitchen.com:

Opie Cunningham gets all political

Just be glad it isn't Marcia Brady. Especially since she just recently admitted she spent time as a crack whore. Hmmm...then again, that could be entertaining.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

WaMu has failed

Yep, Washington Mutual Bank has failed....my dogs. Apparently the combination of WaMu's buyout by JP Morgan Chase, and the $20 million golden parachute they gave their CEO after only 17 days on the job, means WaMu no longer has the money to give my dogs treats at the drive-thru teller. It's a sad day for puppies (picture taken during happier times...for the dogs...and WaMu).

The write stuff!

To christen my newly renovated home office (pics to be posted later once I finish the decorating), I've decided to participate in this year's NaNoWriMo - otherwise known as writing a 50,000 word (roughly 175-page) novel during the month of November.

I plan to have regularly scheduled work time each day. And if I should stall, I fully plan to write about the secrets everyone I've ever known has told me, and to elaborate freely and with wild abandon for my own creative purposes. Hehe, just kidding. Mostly.

I'm fully assuming that as of midnight, November 30th, I will have a huge computer file of totally unreadable crap. Therefore, please don't ask me to read what I've written. To be honest, that is what I hate most about the writing process - when people want to read what you've written. Makes sense, eh? I'm hoping sharing with my writing group and getting the sheer volume of text out of me in November will help with this issue. By this time next year, I may have an actual novel fit to be printed! You heard it here first!

Times are tough all over....

You know times are getting tough when your run-of-the-mill 29-year old dude has to turn to "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a public carwash. According to a Michigan newspaper, that is exactly what happened to this err..gentleman outside of Detroit. I mean, Detroit? Detroit has lotsa hookers. And if you go north a bit and across the border into Canada, prostitution is legal. Or chances are if you go into a bar at closing and buy the drunkest girl a drink or two more, you can get yours if she doesn't pass out.

So at what point to you decide that you want a 75 cent quickie in front of a carwash? Do you know where that vacuum hose has been? If I were a guy I wouldn't want my "junk" on the car mat of most cars, and that is what goes inside that vacuum. Was there cigarette butts and leaves and stuff up in there? And I wonder why the police called it "sexual favors?" Was he returning the favor? Not like the vacuum had much choice after the dude dropped in the coins. Ok, that is all I have to say about that.

National Chocolate Cupcake Day

According to the powers that be, today is officially National Chocolate Cupcake Day.

I'm down with that.

Had I known, I would have baked up a batch.

Cupcakes instantly bring a smile to people's faces. Even in this time of national craziness, cupcakes transcend party lines and socioeconomic classes.

In all seriousness, on my master list of Things To Do One Day, is to open a cupcake shop where I will effortlessly create buttercream canopied concoctions, and witness the joy on the faces of people of all ages. In the meantime, I'll just continue the cupcake catering on the down-low (don't tell the IRS). Maybe if it were more than a hobby, the joy of cupcakes would be diminished?

Musings, Part deux

Seriously, these dudes make me sad. There are not even words to describe how jacked up the economy is right now, and how most of it was completely due to greedy 'tards running the show (feel free to use that on a bumper sticker).

Musing of the day

"If you're looking for sympathy,
you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
--David Sedaris

In other news, it's turning fall here. Leaves dropping, temp dropping, and all that.

Squirrel smarty

Yep, even a squirrel won't vote for the McCain/Palin ticket. And I bet little squirrel dude doesn't go around saying the economy is fundamentally sound, or saying he has foreign policy experience because he can see Russia from his tree. I'm just saying.

Holly Hobbie....

When I was in kindergarten and had the chicken pox, my daddy bought me the Holly Hobbie gazebo to use with all my Holly Hobbie dolls. Score! Back in those days (mid-70s), Holly Hobbie was the symbol of cute and modest innocence. She resembled Laura Ingles Wilder from the Little House on the Prairie series, and had a series of friends in her own image.


Cut to 30 years later. Still named Holly Hobbie, the doll now looks like a cross between Barbie and a Bratz doll. She dresses in jeans instead of a dress, she appears to have make-up and hair extensions, and her signature bonnet has been replaced with a cap. WTF? I doubt they still play in a gazebo. The accompanying friends probably look more like Amy Winehouse, and you can buy little crystal meth accessories to use when you take them to the Holly Hobbie Rave party.

Feeling old....so old.

Never understood why....

Yeah, I never got why it was called a beaver, either. Anybody want to explain?

Another fab cartoon from NatalieDee.com.

P.S. Isn't talking about beaver much more entertaining than talking about the economy?

What's weak this week - TV edition

1. Cloris Leachman on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. Watching an 82-year old woman (no matter how talented an actress) do a Latin Mambo in spandex and sequins is akin to watching your grandma receive a bikini wax. Yep, nobody needs to see that.

2. Man boobs. After watching several seasons of NBC's The Biggest Loser, I'm still puzzled as to why the men must take off their shirt before getting on that big scale. It's been reported that the scale is fake, and everyone is weighed in before the show tapes, so removing clothes and revealing big fat man boobies is not only unneccesary, but massively icky. It is also quite the double standard. I mean didn't Janet Jackson receive endless flack for revealing only one pasty-clad boob during a Superbowl? And Janet's boob was much smaller than the man tits on some of these 300+ pound guys. And The Biggest Loser's producers don't just give a quick nip slip sort of shot at the man boobs, rather it is extended past the point of being able to look away. And heaven forbid the naked man boob guy gets happy and jumps around and those bad boys start flopping. It's not good, folks.

Pledge of Allegiance...you're doin it wrong

This morning I found myself at my first Middle School PTA meeting (yeah, I do that sorta thing now) and at the beginning of the meeting, they asked us to stand for the pledge of allegiance. Since I don't go to many pro sporting events, I'm out of practice. Wait, is it the Pledge of Allegiance at sporting events or the National Anthem? At any rate, I'm apparently a terrorist or something because, first of all, I initially put my hand on the wrong side of my chest. I quickly corrected this, pretending there was a fuzz on my shirt or something. Smooth, eh? Then the recitation starts....

I pledge of allegiance to the flag, of the ..... ..... ... ...... (for serious, I forgot that part) and to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God, ................... (forgot that part too, and figured since it said God, the last word had to be Amen....which it was not).

At least I wasn't as bad as the phallic-eared bunny in the Matt Groening cartoon below. Man, I forgot about those Life in Hell cartoon strips. I used to have multiple books of them back in the 80s. They were snarky and cynical and good. Maybe that is why I turned out the way I did.

Friday Funnies

Republican Recap

Yep, I realize I'm over a week late on coverage of the Republican National Convention (RNC). But, as my mama taught me, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

However...

Today someone forwarded me some brilliant coverage of the RNC that I somehow missed. By somehow, I mean that lately I go to bed way before Late Night with Conan O'Brien is on the air.

So for your viewing pleasure, below are links to the three-part report extraordinaire from the RNC with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (above, with creator Robert Smigel). The links are from the NBC website (vs. YouTube), so sorry about the commercials, but NBC promptly removes its content from YouTube.

Part 1

Part 2 (my fave)

Part 3

Shameful

Nothing like seeing something this shameful to make you feel better about your own diet, right? Any even remotely bad food choice I've made in the last week seems so gastronomically superior if you compare it to the "Krispy Kreme Burger."

This gluttonous burger is supposedly making the rounds at ballpark concession stands. It consists of a cheddar and bacon cheeseburger between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts. Ummm...eww? Isn't that just like a big 'F*** you!' to your body?

Apparently chef Paula Deen is also a fan. And everyone knows that the Southern Mrs. Deen doesn't even pretend to cook anything that remotely resembles healthy food. I swear she uses a pound of butter on everything. Then again, didn't Julia Child cook that way too? And she lived to be 91! And was a spy! What's up with that? By the way, I was never a big Julia fan, but the book about her, My Life in France, is a good read. She was completely obsessed with the art of cooking.

Republicans make my head hurt

Sorry Fluffy yer a Whopper now?

Earlier I was trying to look up the number of the local Humane Society to see if they could use some old comforters I wanted to get rid of. Hmmm...my Iphone map search feature doesn't always turn up the information I wanted. Or am I learning something new about Burger King?

Is there a rating below mindless entertainment?

Seriously, I love some mindless entertainment, as judged by my Tivo habits. Yeah, I tape the occasional documentary, but my true Tivo'ing passion falls more towards shows that provide quick, easy, mindless entertainment. Don't judge me.

One step below the rating of mindless entertainment is the new Gong Show on Comedy Central. Any show that has Triumph the Insult Dog as a judge kind of forewarns the mental level. Below is one of the latest clips.

Chicken legs never looked so good

After receiving flack a few months ago with a tv ad that involved two men kissing (Heinz subsequently pulled the ad after threats of boycotts, then was criticized for succumbing to homophobic pressure), the good folks at Heinz have come up with another ad campaign sure to attract notice. The ad is for Heinz "hot" ketchup, in case anyone cares.

Gratuitous Cupcake Shot

Aww...panda cupcakey goodness.

Vacation Scrapbook

So, about five hours into my much needed beach vacation, I realize my camera is totally skrozzed. Apparently, the hubby went to upgrade the memory card dealie, but it was incompatible. So we trekked out and bought a new memory card thingie, only to realize, the camera was still jacked up beyond repair. Oh well.

So without the capability to actually take pictures of our vacation, there are no actual pictures of our vacation. But never fear! Not wanting to disappoint you all, I've discovered some pictures that are a total depiction of our vacation. Please to enjoy....

View of our Oregon beachfront.









Me listening to my Ipod on the beach.









Hubby and I going out for a casual dinner.












Dancing on the beach with the maid and butler.

Going to the beach

Heading down to Cannon Beach (Oregon) tomorrow morning for a 4-day weekend in what I shall dub my "do-over" vacation. By do-over, I refer to the last time we went to Cannon Beach (picture from our room, to the left). It was Thanksgiving 2007 and after a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner that included pumpkin creme brulee, I proceeded to have the most violent flu symptoms in the history of...ever. Things were flying out of numerous places they should not...simultaneously, I might add. I was incapacitated for at least 48 hours. I don't think we're really allowed back at that hotel, which is too bad, because that's the hotel where we were married. Thankfully I didn't have stomach flu the weekend we got married, cuz it SO was not pretty.

So off I go for four days overlooking the ocean. The dogs get to come this time, which they love. And I will be steering clear of anything that resembles creme brulee.

In the news....

In the second week of Olympic competition, the athletes are getting cranky. Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian, shown to the left dry-humping an opponent, tossed down his bronze medal during the official medal ceremony. Well that was kinda rude. And guess what? Now he doesn't get a medal at all for being grouchy and discourteous. So go sit in a corner and think about what you did, Ara, or you will be relegated to a future of making Billy bookcases for your native Ikea.




On a more serious note, Russia is attacking people. Of course, our prez is right on top of it, as shown below.

Dog days of Summer.....

If there is reincarnation and stuff, I think I want to come back as a dog. Not like a dog in China that could end up on a restaurant's menu, or an Alaskan Iditarod dog, but a dog like either of mine. My dogs have it extremely easy (photographic proof to the right).

Oh yeah, did you know they make otter pops for dogs? Remember otter pops? Those frozen tubes of fruity chemical and preservative goodness that you could buy in a box of 500 for about $2.00? Yep, PetSmart has them for dogs. In cheese and beef flavor. The dogs were appreciative, by the way.

Got Self-Esteem? Not Now

Apparently, another thing the Chinese government is good at, besides faking birth certificates for underage female gymnasts so they can compete when they are about 8 years younger than the age limit, is permanently scarring the self-esteem of talented child singers.

Yang Peiyi (above left), a talented 7-year old singer, whose voice was determined to be so beautiful it was to be included in the opening ceremony of the Olympics, received a smack-down to her self-esteem by the Chinese government when she was deemed too fugly to perform live. In stepped Lin Miaoke (above right), a well known Chinese child actor in commercials and ads, who proceeded to lip synch to Yang's song.

The Chinese Government's official response to their decision was to say "The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings and expression." The 7-year old was said to have a "chubby face and crooked teeth." Hello? She is 7! Shame on you, China! No wonder nobody likes you (except to produce our electronics, housewares, shoes, computers, televisions, etc.).

RIP Chef

Isaac Hayes passed away this weekend. Although he was a Grammy and Academy Award winning artist and actor, he will always be known to many as "Chef" on South Park.

Here is some typical "Chef" wisdom:

Olympics starting? Really?

In case you haven't heard, the Olympics start today. Shouldn't they have at least run a commercial or two on NBC announcing the coverage?

Uggh. The next three weeks will be nothing BUT Olympic coverage on tv. Hours upon hours. Days upon days. I don't know about you, but I used to get into the Olympics when I was a kid, but lately they just go on too long. I need the Cliff Notes version of the important stuff, like who won, who broke records, and if any of the male swimmers had a wardrobe malfunction.

Speaking of Olympics, I shall do my best to dig up some pictures in the next few days of my personal Olympic aspirations in the 70s. With nothing to do one summer, and a living room in our parent's house void of any furniture, my sister and I tumbled and cartwheeled our way into what possibly could have been the first sister team of Olympic gymnastic gold medalists. Our specialty was the "flourish" - that exuberant "ta da!!" with arms raised above head at the end of each performance. Truly, our showmanship was unparalleled.

Presumptive Frosting Nominees

If you've had a secret desire to lick the head and/or torso of either of the two presidential candidates, here you go.

Which one do you think would taste better?

Which one would have less carbs?

Which one has more nuts? (Do with that what you will.)

Photo courtesy of The Cupcake Project.