Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Finally the day has arrived for little greedy-ass kids to go door-to-door begging people for food. When you're at a light at the highway off ramp and there is a homeless person with a sign asking for food, you avoid eye contact. But when little Tiffany from down the street comes to your door, wearing her Disney princess costume, you gladly heap her with handfuls of candy bars. Funny how that works.

At any rate, I actually bought real pumpkins this year. They have yet to be carved, as I've been avoiding that whole scooping pumpkin guts part. Frankly, the sight and smell of pumpkin innards sort of make me want to vomit, but I shall not let that deter me from the festivities!

I will post pictures of the pumpkins tomorrow, along with anything else I deem to be festive. As a preview, my dog Jasper was included in the pet pictures of one of my favorite gossip blogs (don't judge me!). He is wearing his "Don't scare me, I poop easily" Halloween t-shirt. The funniest part of this shirt is the little noise maker. When Jasper goes to roll over on his back, it activates, and then he chases his tail wondering why his ass is making scary Halloween noises. Quite entertaining, in a probably non-SPCA approved way.

Election Update

Is it just me, or will everyone else be happy when this presidential election is finally over? It feels like they've been campaigning for years!  At this point, I'm surprised anyone still wants the job. Sort of like signing on to be the captain of a sinking ship.

A few of my recent favorites from PunditKitchen.com:

Opie Cunningham gets all political

Just be glad it isn't Marcia Brady. Especially since she just recently admitted she spent time as a crack whore. Hmmm...then again, that could be entertaining.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

WaMu has failed

Yep, Washington Mutual Bank has failed....my dogs. Apparently the combination of WaMu's buyout by JP Morgan Chase, and the $20 million golden parachute they gave their CEO after only 17 days on the job, means WaMu no longer has the money to give my dogs treats at the drive-thru teller. It's a sad day for puppies (picture taken during happier times...for the dogs...and WaMu).

The write stuff!

To christen my newly renovated home office (pics to be posted later once I finish the decorating), I've decided to participate in this year's NaNoWriMo - otherwise known as writing a 50,000 word (roughly 175-page) novel during the month of November.

I plan to have regularly scheduled work time each day. And if I should stall, I fully plan to write about the secrets everyone I've ever known has told me, and to elaborate freely and with wild abandon for my own creative purposes. Hehe, just kidding. Mostly.

I'm fully assuming that as of midnight, November 30th, I will have a huge computer file of totally unreadable crap. Therefore, please don't ask me to read what I've written. To be honest, that is what I hate most about the writing process - when people want to read what you've written. Makes sense, eh? I'm hoping sharing with my writing group and getting the sheer volume of text out of me in November will help with this issue. By this time next year, I may have an actual novel fit to be printed! You heard it here first!

Times are tough all over....

You know times are getting tough when your run-of-the-mill 29-year old dude has to turn to "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a public carwash. According to a Michigan newspaper, that is exactly what happened to this err..gentleman outside of Detroit. I mean, Detroit? Detroit has lotsa hookers. And if you go north a bit and across the border into Canada, prostitution is legal. Or chances are if you go into a bar at closing and buy the drunkest girl a drink or two more, you can get yours if she doesn't pass out.

So at what point to you decide that you want a 75 cent quickie in front of a carwash? Do you know where that vacuum hose has been? If I were a guy I wouldn't want my "junk" on the car mat of most cars, and that is what goes inside that vacuum. Was there cigarette butts and leaves and stuff up in there? And I wonder why the police called it "sexual favors?" Was he returning the favor? Not like the vacuum had much choice after the dude dropped in the coins. Ok, that is all I have to say about that.

National Chocolate Cupcake Day

According to the powers that be, today is officially National Chocolate Cupcake Day.

I'm down with that.

Had I known, I would have baked up a batch.

Cupcakes instantly bring a smile to people's faces. Even in this time of national craziness, cupcakes transcend party lines and socioeconomic classes.

In all seriousness, on my master list of Things To Do One Day, is to open a cupcake shop where I will effortlessly create buttercream canopied concoctions, and witness the joy on the faces of people of all ages. In the meantime, I'll just continue the cupcake catering on the down-low (don't tell the IRS). Maybe if it were more than a hobby, the joy of cupcakes would be diminished?

Musings, Part deux

Seriously, these dudes make me sad. There are not even words to describe how jacked up the economy is right now, and how most of it was completely due to greedy 'tards running the show (feel free to use that on a bumper sticker).

Musing of the day

"If you're looking for sympathy,
you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
--David Sedaris

In other news, it's turning fall here. Leaves dropping, temp dropping, and all that.

Squirrel smarty

Yep, even a squirrel won't vote for the McCain/Palin ticket. And I bet little squirrel dude doesn't go around saying the economy is fundamentally sound, or saying he has foreign policy experience because he can see Russia from his tree. I'm just saying.

Holly Hobbie....

When I was in kindergarten and had the chicken pox, my daddy bought me the Holly Hobbie gazebo to use with all my Holly Hobbie dolls. Score! Back in those days (mid-70s), Holly Hobbie was the symbol of cute and modest innocence. She resembled Laura Ingles Wilder from the Little House on the Prairie series, and had a series of friends in her own image.


Cut to 30 years later. Still named Holly Hobbie, the doll now looks like a cross between Barbie and a Bratz doll. She dresses in jeans instead of a dress, she appears to have make-up and hair extensions, and her signature bonnet has been replaced with a cap. WTF? I doubt they still play in a gazebo. The accompanying friends probably look more like Amy Winehouse, and you can buy little crystal meth accessories to use when you take them to the Holly Hobbie Rave party.

Feeling old....so old.

Never understood why....

Yeah, I never got why it was called a beaver, either. Anybody want to explain?

Another fab cartoon from NatalieDee.com.

P.S. Isn't talking about beaver much more entertaining than talking about the economy?

What's weak this week - TV edition

1. Cloris Leachman on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. Watching an 82-year old woman (no matter how talented an actress) do a Latin Mambo in spandex and sequins is akin to watching your grandma receive a bikini wax. Yep, nobody needs to see that.

2. Man boobs. After watching several seasons of NBC's The Biggest Loser, I'm still puzzled as to why the men must take off their shirt before getting on that big scale. It's been reported that the scale is fake, and everyone is weighed in before the show tapes, so removing clothes and revealing big fat man boobies is not only unneccesary, but massively icky. It is also quite the double standard. I mean didn't Janet Jackson receive endless flack for revealing only one pasty-clad boob during a Superbowl? And Janet's boob was much smaller than the man tits on some of these 300+ pound guys. And The Biggest Loser's producers don't just give a quick nip slip sort of shot at the man boobs, rather it is extended past the point of being able to look away. And heaven forbid the naked man boob guy gets happy and jumps around and those bad boys start flopping. It's not good, folks.

Pledge of Allegiance...you're doin it wrong

This morning I found myself at my first Middle School PTA meeting (yeah, I do that sorta thing now) and at the beginning of the meeting, they asked us to stand for the pledge of allegiance. Since I don't go to many pro sporting events, I'm out of practice. Wait, is it the Pledge of Allegiance at sporting events or the National Anthem? At any rate, I'm apparently a terrorist or something because, first of all, I initially put my hand on the wrong side of my chest. I quickly corrected this, pretending there was a fuzz on my shirt or something. Smooth, eh? Then the recitation starts....

I pledge of allegiance to the flag, of the ..... ..... ... ...... (for serious, I forgot that part) and to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God, ................... (forgot that part too, and figured since it said God, the last word had to be Amen....which it was not).

At least I wasn't as bad as the phallic-eared bunny in the Matt Groening cartoon below. Man, I forgot about those Life in Hell cartoon strips. I used to have multiple books of them back in the 80s. They were snarky and cynical and good. Maybe that is why I turned out the way I did.

Friday Funnies

Republican Recap

Yep, I realize I'm over a week late on coverage of the Republican National Convention (RNC). But, as my mama taught me, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

However...

Today someone forwarded me some brilliant coverage of the RNC that I somehow missed. By somehow, I mean that lately I go to bed way before Late Night with Conan O'Brien is on the air.

So for your viewing pleasure, below are links to the three-part report extraordinaire from the RNC with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (above, with creator Robert Smigel). The links are from the NBC website (vs. YouTube), so sorry about the commercials, but NBC promptly removes its content from YouTube.

Part 1

Part 2 (my fave)

Part 3

Shameful

Nothing like seeing something this shameful to make you feel better about your own diet, right? Any even remotely bad food choice I've made in the last week seems so gastronomically superior if you compare it to the "Krispy Kreme Burger."

This gluttonous burger is supposedly making the rounds at ballpark concession stands. It consists of a cheddar and bacon cheeseburger between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts. Ummm...eww? Isn't that just like a big 'F*** you!' to your body?

Apparently chef Paula Deen is also a fan. And everyone knows that the Southern Mrs. Deen doesn't even pretend to cook anything that remotely resembles healthy food. I swear she uses a pound of butter on everything. Then again, didn't Julia Child cook that way too? And she lived to be 91! And was a spy! What's up with that? By the way, I was never a big Julia fan, but the book about her, My Life in France, is a good read. She was completely obsessed with the art of cooking.

Republicans make my head hurt

Sorry Fluffy yer a Whopper now?

Earlier I was trying to look up the number of the local Humane Society to see if they could use some old comforters I wanted to get rid of. Hmmm...my Iphone map search feature doesn't always turn up the information I wanted. Or am I learning something new about Burger King?

Is there a rating below mindless entertainment?

Seriously, I love some mindless entertainment, as judged by my Tivo habits. Yeah, I tape the occasional documentary, but my true Tivo'ing passion falls more towards shows that provide quick, easy, mindless entertainment. Don't judge me.

One step below the rating of mindless entertainment is the new Gong Show on Comedy Central. Any show that has Triumph the Insult Dog as a judge kind of forewarns the mental level. Below is one of the latest clips.

Chicken legs never looked so good

After receiving flack a few months ago with a tv ad that involved two men kissing (Heinz subsequently pulled the ad after threats of boycotts, then was criticized for succumbing to homophobic pressure), the good folks at Heinz have come up with another ad campaign sure to attract notice. The ad is for Heinz "hot" ketchup, in case anyone cares.

Gratuitous Cupcake Shot

Aww...panda cupcakey goodness.

Vacation Scrapbook

So, about five hours into my much needed beach vacation, I realize my camera is totally skrozzed. Apparently, the hubby went to upgrade the memory card dealie, but it was incompatible. So we trekked out and bought a new memory card thingie, only to realize, the camera was still jacked up beyond repair. Oh well.

So without the capability to actually take pictures of our vacation, there are no actual pictures of our vacation. But never fear! Not wanting to disappoint you all, I've discovered some pictures that are a total depiction of our vacation. Please to enjoy....

View of our Oregon beachfront.









Me listening to my Ipod on the beach.









Hubby and I going out for a casual dinner.












Dancing on the beach with the maid and butler.

Going to the beach

Heading down to Cannon Beach (Oregon) tomorrow morning for a 4-day weekend in what I shall dub my "do-over" vacation. By do-over, I refer to the last time we went to Cannon Beach (picture from our room, to the left). It was Thanksgiving 2007 and after a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner that included pumpkin creme brulee, I proceeded to have the most violent flu symptoms in the history of...ever. Things were flying out of numerous places they should not...simultaneously, I might add. I was incapacitated for at least 48 hours. I don't think we're really allowed back at that hotel, which is too bad, because that's the hotel where we were married. Thankfully I didn't have stomach flu the weekend we got married, cuz it SO was not pretty.

So off I go for four days overlooking the ocean. The dogs get to come this time, which they love. And I will be steering clear of anything that resembles creme brulee.

In the news....

In the second week of Olympic competition, the athletes are getting cranky. Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian, shown to the left dry-humping an opponent, tossed down his bronze medal during the official medal ceremony. Well that was kinda rude. And guess what? Now he doesn't get a medal at all for being grouchy and discourteous. So go sit in a corner and think about what you did, Ara, or you will be relegated to a future of making Billy bookcases for your native Ikea.




On a more serious note, Russia is attacking people. Of course, our prez is right on top of it, as shown below.

Dog days of Summer.....

If there is reincarnation and stuff, I think I want to come back as a dog. Not like a dog in China that could end up on a restaurant's menu, or an Alaskan Iditarod dog, but a dog like either of mine. My dogs have it extremely easy (photographic proof to the right).

Oh yeah, did you know they make otter pops for dogs? Remember otter pops? Those frozen tubes of fruity chemical and preservative goodness that you could buy in a box of 500 for about $2.00? Yep, PetSmart has them for dogs. In cheese and beef flavor. The dogs were appreciative, by the way.

Got Self-Esteem? Not Now

Apparently, another thing the Chinese government is good at, besides faking birth certificates for underage female gymnasts so they can compete when they are about 8 years younger than the age limit, is permanently scarring the self-esteem of talented child singers.

Yang Peiyi (above left), a talented 7-year old singer, whose voice was determined to be so beautiful it was to be included in the opening ceremony of the Olympics, received a smack-down to her self-esteem by the Chinese government when she was deemed too fugly to perform live. In stepped Lin Miaoke (above right), a well known Chinese child actor in commercials and ads, who proceeded to lip synch to Yang's song.

The Chinese Government's official response to their decision was to say "The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings and expression." The 7-year old was said to have a "chubby face and crooked teeth." Hello? She is 7! Shame on you, China! No wonder nobody likes you (except to produce our electronics, housewares, shoes, computers, televisions, etc.).

RIP Chef

Isaac Hayes passed away this weekend. Although he was a Grammy and Academy Award winning artist and actor, he will always be known to many as "Chef" on South Park.

Here is some typical "Chef" wisdom:

Olympics starting? Really?

In case you haven't heard, the Olympics start today. Shouldn't they have at least run a commercial or two on NBC announcing the coverage?

Uggh. The next three weeks will be nothing BUT Olympic coverage on tv. Hours upon hours. Days upon days. I don't know about you, but I used to get into the Olympics when I was a kid, but lately they just go on too long. I need the Cliff Notes version of the important stuff, like who won, who broke records, and if any of the male swimmers had a wardrobe malfunction.

Speaking of Olympics, I shall do my best to dig up some pictures in the next few days of my personal Olympic aspirations in the 70s. With nothing to do one summer, and a living room in our parent's house void of any furniture, my sister and I tumbled and cartwheeled our way into what possibly could have been the first sister team of Olympic gymnastic gold medalists. Our specialty was the "flourish" - that exuberant "ta da!!" with arms raised above head at the end of each performance. Truly, our showmanship was unparalleled.

Presumptive Frosting Nominees

If you've had a secret desire to lick the head and/or torso of either of the two presidential candidates, here you go.

Which one do you think would taste better?

Which one would have less carbs?

Which one has more nuts? (Do with that what you will.)

Photo courtesy of The Cupcake Project.

A long week already...

Another cartoon courtesy of NatalieDee.com.

Craigslist

For Sale: Stunning yellow chair with elegant silver accents. Mild cat urine scent. Paid $400 in 1972, sacrifice for $375!

Is it just me or does this seem too much like the average Craigslist for sale ad lately? People are getting more clueless.

Now don't get me wrong, I love me some Craigslist. I sold most of my furniture on Craigslist when I moved from California to Washington State in 2005. Some of the items (coffee table, dining set) had originally come from Craiglist, so I believe that's like recycling, right? But lately, and I don't know if it's the sucky economy or what, but people have been listing stuff that not only should NOT be for sale, but selling things they should actually have to PAY to have someone haul away.

The picture above isn't of an actual chair I found on Craigslist, by the way, but I have to admit it is more stylish than many I've seen on there. At least this one has some duct tape on the gaping holes. Some pictures just show the gaping holes and have accompanying ads that claim "minor wear and tear." In one picture I swear I saw an actual animal copping a squat on the item of furniture. Since I've been looking at desks lately on Craigslist, my other pet peeve is people who show a picture of their furniture item while it is covered with so much crap that you can't even tell what the surface looks like. Makes me scared to want to enter that person's home, if they are more than willing to post pictures of their crap-filled decor on a public website. What must the areas of their home that they don't take pictures of look like? Hmmm...

At any rate, I think there needs to be a Craigslist Rules of Conduct. Up near the top of the list needs to be the rule that sellers must preface their ad title with the word "*CRAP*," yep nice and bold like that, if they are selling something that is crap. This would certainly save me a buncha time while looking for something cool.

It's only a matter of time....

Comic courtesy of NatalieDee.com.

Colbert & Cookies

A hard-hitting Colbert interview with Cookie Monster.

Bert & Ernie....going gangsta

Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street do gangsta rap. 'Nuf said.

Awww, lion snuggles

This YouTube video has been getting a lot of play lately, and I have to admit it makes me tear up every time.

From the "WTF?" files...

Yep, it's Mr. T.

But check closer...

Snickers candy bars.

A lot of 'em. And not the little Snickers bars, either.

And they're dangling from his neck with the massive gold bling that has become synonymous with Mr. T.

"Snickers Bling."

No longer craving a Snickers bar.

Tivo'ing the Family Jewels

Being up late at night, plus not being able to sleep is a bad combination. Add to that the boredom that causes you to flip channels and find shows that you'd normally never watch. Then, due to the advent of the Tivo (oh how I love you!), you start taping entire seasons of the shows you'd normally never watch in the first place.

My latest Tivo find (even though it's in Season 3 already)? A&E channel's Gene Simmons Family Jewels. A show entirely about Gene Simmons, the dude with the tongue from the band Kiss, and his family. His girlfriend (0f 24 years) is Shannon Tweed, who rose to fame in the 80s as a Playboy Playmate and star of a number of Cinemax soft core porn movies (admit it, you've seen Shannon's work). Together they have 2 teenage kids; Nick, who's funny and kinda bad-boy hot, and Sophie, who seems very smart.

I have to say, for a reality show, this show is pretty good. Gene Simmons is remarkably likable, and the family as a whole, is pretty funny. I never realized the media machine that Gene Simmons continues to be. He's an extraordinary businessman who started as a humble Jewish immigrant, grew up to marry (more-or-less) a Playmate, and made millions (possibly billions?) off of his tongue, playing bass for Kiss (supposedly still around?), and marketing every item imaginable with the band's likeness. Who would have guessed it?

At any rate, if you've got insomnia, check out this show.

Breaking News

Breaking news, folks. A searchable listing of the 600 Starbucks locations that will be closing has been posted over at the Huffington Post (thanks Arianna!).

I don't know when these stores are scheduled to close, but I thought it was my civic duty to inform y'all if one is near you. You know if you get up one morning and head over to your favorite 'Bux and it's closed, you'll be sad. So think of this as a little sadness prevention.

Listing of stores to be closed is here.

Phone Coolness

This past week I've completely succumbed to geeking out (but in a cool way) with all the new Iphone applications that became available via the Itunes store last Friday.

Some of my recommendations (btw, these are all free applications), in no particular order:

** BoxOffice. Cool Movie app to find what is playing in your area.
** The new Facebook app (so much better than the old one).
** Evernote. I'm just starting to use this application, and it's cool. I have a feeling I could still learn how to make it even cooler if I read the instructions.
** UrbanSpoon. Cool app to find out about the restaurants in your area. Lets you focus in on the area, type of cuisine, and price. And oh yeah, it makes a cool slot machine noise.
** Shazam. Ok, this one is totally cool. You hold your phone up to a song on the radio/tv/etc. and it identifies the song. You can then go buy it on Itunes (hah, like you didn't see that one coming!). The best thing about this app? The name. I can totally say "Shaaaazzaaaaaammm" all day long.

While there seem to be a bunch of totally useless applications out there (Iphone flashlights, seriously?), I'm sure there are many more that I will probably need as I explore the application store a bit more. Have any recommendations for me? Drop me a note.

One application I really really want? A bluetooth on/off button for the main screen. Now that bluetooth headsets are required when using your cell phone in the car (unless you want a ticket), I'm constantly using this button, but have to go searching for it under settings each time I want to turn the bluetooth on or off. Annoying. Speaking of bluetooth, I found the best bluetooth headset out there, especially if you are a chick (or anyone that likes to throw their bluetooth in a bag and not have the earpiece broken off). It's by Motorola and comes with its own little cute carrying pod.

Because I'm a dork

Heh heh, some kid tricked another kid into eating hamster doo doo.

If I was in 2nd grade, this gag would be the funniest thing EVER! Hell, I'm 38 and it cracked me up! Guess I'm a dork like that.

Image via PostSecret.

Happy 5th of July!

Happy day after "Independence" Day, which I have decided to dub "Dependence" Day. What am I dependent on today? Advil and Starbucks. Well technically almost every day is a 'Bux day (we even brew it at home), but today I'm all about the Advil to try to get my back feeling better after all the landscaping we've been doing the past week. Seriously, if I could purchase a Vicodin Frappuccino right now, it would make my day! I wonder if Starbucks has a product development idea hotline.

Our 4th of July was fairly low key. We spent most of the day doing the aforementioned landscaping, then after showering off the layers of dirt, spent the evening in. We watched a bit of fireworks on TV, which seem to me to last longer than they ever did before. To be honest, I started falling asleep about mid way through. Have I seriously become that indifferent about things blowing up that I now doze off? Or am I just old? Either way, sad.

Landscaping Update

Which would be more entertaining? Landscaping for a week? Or a full-frontal lobotomy? Hmmm. This isn't a good week to ask me.

Today was day three of our week-long project that has so far involved, in no particular order: hauling retaining wall rocks, building retaining walls, hauling paving stones, leveling and paving a courtyard, planting humongoid planters, digging up buttloads of rocks, moving said buttloads of rocks, shoveling dirt, moving dirt around, putting bark on stuff, and way too many trips to Lowe's.

As an aside, I've discovered the secret to receiving good customer service at places like Lowe's. A vagina. Who would have guessed? All I know is when I go to pick up 90, 10-pound stones, they bring them via forklift to my vehicle and then multiple people help load them. When my husband goes to purchase nearly the same order, they take his money, then make themselves scarce.

At any rate, back to the landscaping thing. I have a new appreciation for people that do landscaping all day. Apparently there are special "yardwork" muscles in your body that don't get fully developed until you've hauled/shoveled/dug stuff for three days in a row.

Dirt Cheap?

Dirt cheap? I really don't know where that phrase comes from.

Last time I checked, this earth we live on had lots of dirt. It isn't like it is hoarded by anyone or there is a black market for it. But if you want some? Well, that is another story.

For one thing, and I bet you never thought of it quite this way, dirt is sorta dirty. Therefore, it isn't something you really want flung onto your car upholstery. Secondly, it's sort of heavy. So now there is only one option. Dirt delivery. Whoever it is that delivers the dirt has to charge for that, hence my questioning the phrase "dirt cheap."

But why does anyone get to charge for dirt? I can understand paying for the labor to deliver the dirt, but did they pay for the dirt? At what point do you just get to dig up dirt for free? Anyway, I digress. So now you have to order dirt. The commoner, unfamiliar with the global dirt consumer market, would just call and ask for "dirt." Kind of like going into Starbucks and just asking for "coffee." Much like ordering at the 'Bux, you have to know what size, what you want mixed in, etc. And much like Starbucks, extra stuff costs...extra.

For example, if you want minimal rocks in your dirt, it's extra. If you want garbage and old rotted things (compost) mixed into your dirt, oh yeah, extra. If you want animal crap mixed into your dirt (cuz you know that's going to smell good), that is even more. So, at the end of the day we were the proud recipients of 10 cubic yards of "2-way" topsoil (the "3-way" or "5-way" topsoil sounded a bit kinky for our suburban front yard). The website calls it a nice all-purpose soil with a higher soil content. What this means is beyond me.

More to come as our project is completed.

RIP George Carlin

The world has lost one of its most entertaining storytellers. George Carlin led a colorful life sharing timeless anecdotes that told it like it was. One of my favorites is "A Place for Your Stuff."

His style was mimicked by numerous comedians who came up after him, but nobody was quite like George. Remember these Carlin'isms?:

* The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
* When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
* Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
* Frisbeeism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George, you will be missed.

Ahhh college...

Taste the rainbow....heave up a rainbow?

Having never gone to the kind of college where you stay in a dorm and drink your body weight in cheap alcohol every weekend, I apparently missed out on some things. For example, who would have guessed you could make a tasty beverage by melting skittles into vodka and then straining them through a tshirt? Clearly these Wesleyan students are on to something.

Save Yourselves!

As if you don't have enough to worry about with what's in your food, now you have to worry about where it came from, and is it going to kill you.

Of course I'm about a week behind on this breaking news, but if you rely on me for your breaking news.....first of all, don't. Second of all...don't eat tomatoes!

Word on the street is that a bunch of tomatoes got tainted with Salmonella, which I always thought came from raw poultry. Either growers have been rubbing their tomatoes (which appear to be a vegetable, but are technically a fruit, which makes them weird) on raw chicken, or there are other freakish acts going on that you really don't want to know about. And believe me, I could tell you some freaky tomato stories. Read the next paragraph at your own risk.

Back in the early 90s when I did conference planning for a water industry association down in California, I had the pleasure (??) of touring a wastewater treatment plant. Yep, the place where what you flush down your toilet goes. Surprisingly it smelled of fresh laundry, but I digress. Anyhoo...while touring the outside part of the plant and seeing (albeit from a distance) the huge piles of "biosolids," I noticed plants growing on the piles. When I asked I was told they were tomato plants. My knowledgeable guide informed me that tomato seeds are the only plant seeds to survive the human digestion process. So apparently they come out and are good to go for growing new tomatoes. I'm not saying this is how they get the tomatoes for McDonalds, but you never know, eh?

Tasha Tudor

Tasha Tudor, the extraordinary children's book illustrator passed away this week at the age of 92. I remember her detailed work from the numerous books my grandmother gave me as a child. Ms. Tudor's illustrations were fanciful yet almost fragile, detailed and absolutely beautiful. Sometimes the drawings spoke more to me than the words on the pages. They kept a young reader engaged because there was so much to be discovered in the details of the accompanying illustrations. As I learned about the news of Ms. Tudor's death I searched online for a listing of the books she illustrated and realized I could recall at least a dozen as being favorites from my early childhood.

I also learned more about the woman behind the illustrations. Tasha Tudor was a quirky woman. No doubt about that. A woman whose eccentricities made her endearing, yet inaccessible at the same time. She was a woman who was ahead of her time even though she felt more comfortable relating to a bygone era. A woman much like my own grandmother, who also lived to the ripe age of 92.

Some of Tasha Tudor's drawings can be found on the Cellar Door Books website.

Splish, Splash, Sigh

Yet another ramification of nobody paying me $400,000 for anything (as lamented upon in yesterday's post) is that, alas, I cannot afford the bathtub that should rightfully be mine.

I do have a soaking tub, which I use fairly frequently, but it seems so downright sad when compared to the $47,000 Red Diamond Bathtub. Not only does my bathtub not have swarovski crystal-encrusted champagne holders (weep for me) and a built-in massage system, but my tub doesn't have even one retractable HDTV monitor, let alone two. And even though I have an Iphone, my inadequate and technology-challenged tub can't receive calls to activate itself via a built-in GSM module.

Because I know this tale of unjust deprivation will strike a chord with so many of my readers (admit it, you won't be able to sleep at night), I'm fully prepared to set up a fund for donations towards my worthy cause.